Closure (T-Minus 352 Days)

I met The M-P last night for drinks. He wanted closure and I wanted a couple free beers. I judged him for the last week after he asked if we could get together to talk about things because I have simply never understood guys’ need to hash things out after a breakup. What’s done is done and I feel like it doesn’t need to go any deeper than one person does not like/love/value/appreciate the other as much as vice versa. In my experience, it’s usually because one person needs to feel better about things and somehow explaining how feelings fell apart, or why they should still be there, ad nauseam accomplishes the goal.

Despite this frigid bitch outlook, I genuinely care about the guy and want to build a friendship with him, so I went with it. Until he chose the site of our first date as the location, and then I just started to judge again.

And I continued to do so as the night went on and we shot the breeze about sports and the weather and other inane conversation topics, clearly avoiding the elephant in the room. After 2.75 beers and a walk to my car to add change to the meter, however, I finally said “you have one-third of a beer to ask me whatever you need to ask me.”

And so, we hashed it out. I was honest about my activities on the road and my lack of feelings for M-P. I cushioned the blow by explaining my occasional unhappiness with work and the geographic location, knowing he was not willing to leave and thinking it was better to end things before they went too far.

By the end of the night, however, I was the one in tears on the drive home. Still 100 percent convinced I had made the right choice, but sad because part of me wished I didn’t feel that way. The M-P is a wonderfully sweet and thoughtful man, but he is clearly not for me. Our lives are headed in very different directions, not to mention the whole complete lack of chemistry. Apparently he did not see those things though. Or was willing to ignore them.

­­Buzzed and sad, I lay on my couch at home texting friends and telling myself watching the new Grey’s Anatomy was probably not the best decision in my current emotional state. One of the wise and wonderful women I have the pleasure to go to work with every day, then reminded me via text “No need to drag it out. Feelings won’t change, right? You need the spark – no fun without it.”

And, for the moment, I was content.

As a sidenote, I recently received a CD by an artist named Jenn Grinels as a gift. I had not had a chance to listen to it yet, but threw it in on my way to meet The M-P and was absolutely mesmerized by the fourth song. Grinels’ voice is hauntingly beautiful and this song struck a deep chord. I must have listened to it five times. I brought the CD into work this morning and noticed, for the first time, the title of the song. LISTEN HERE and enjoy the irony.