Flicker & Spark (T-Minus 359 Days)

Both professionally and personally, the last several weeks have been nothing short of hectic … primarily in really good ways. If you are capable of basic math, and have been paying any attention to the countdown in the headers, you would see we have passed 365 days (or actually 366 – thank you Leap Year for that extra 24-hour buffer) until the 30th birthday.

Now that the big 2-9 has come and gone, I feel like it’s important to make sure everyone is up to speed. And so, what I planned as a series of flashback updates on the burgeoning relationship with M-P has gone by the wayside and will now be summed up in a few sentences.

He met my parents. I met his friends. I felt a flicker of emotion when he looked at me one night that made me cave. He burned me CDs. I took him for granted and he still came back for more. We claimed sides of the bed.  

But through the month and a half, I felt like something was missing. I couldn’t put a finger on it, but I just knew that I didn’t feel the spark that I thought I should. I kept waiting for it to come though because there are so many wonderful things about M-P. I wanted the spark to be there.

However, the flicker died. The spark never came.

But because I am wimp when it comes to confrontation, I ignored the situation and blamed my current work and travel schedule, which is to say the least, crazy. In the midst of the madness, however, I unexpectedly encountered something (someone) that would emphasize all of the shortcomings in M-P’s and my relationship.

About a week and a half ago, while away on a work trip, I ran into a guy who I have known through the job for several years and always thought was cute, but was never in a position to do something about it. Well, after one very drunk night out, we were in that position. And subsequently in several other positions over the coming days.

From the first time we kissed, I felt the spark. When we hold hands, when we say goodnight, when we're sarcastically ripping each other or wittily bantering, there are sparks. The kind I always wanted to feel. 

I write about this now, only because I officially ended things with M-P, not necessarily because I think the sparks are going to ignite into a full-fledged fire, but because I realized it isn’t fair to anyone to keep poking at the smoking coals to find something that isn’t there.

(You know I like extended metaphors. Deal with it.)

Though only time will tell, any future with Sparks is unknown, and probably pretty unlikely. We live several hours away from each other and have similarly hectic lifestyles. Part of me is sad to feel everything I always thought I should with someone, but beyond happy to know it’s out there and that I was not overestimating the importance of the feelings.