Failure and Forward Movement (T-Minus 77 Days)

Exactly 365 days ago, I wrote about my resolution to be Fearless. I proclaimed I would spend 2011 living boldly, loving myself and turning said self into the woman I wanted to be.

I sit here a year later and accept I have utterly and completely failed in doing every one of those things.

I can say this because I am quite literally sitting in the exact same place I was when I pledged to dive straight into life with freeing abandon.

I am traveling for work and am in the same city, sitting in the same coffee shop across the street from the hotel in roughly the same (only available) seat and quite possibly wearing the same sweatpants and drinking the same coffee. At least I got a chocolate chip cookie today; I think I went scone last year

Regardless of baked good choice, the level of irony is palpable.

Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new passion.

Hardly.

I may have blindly (and without any real commitment) searched for another job, allowed my heart to feel something for a fleeting moment and read more self help books than a shrink-in-training, but I truly have not done any of the above. Although there were certainly a few high points, for the most part 2011 will go down in the books as a complete time suck of a year.

And that’s just awful.

When I revisited the whole fearlessness idea back in October, I gave myself a hard time about the lack of progress and admitting an intense level of fear of happiness and success, or of getting what I thought I want and realizing it’s not enough. On the cusp of a new year, the year I just so happen to turn 30, I’m calling the above statement poppycock. A cop-out of epic proportions.

Bullocks.

Ever since letting go on the hope of a relationship with Sparks last week, I have found myself systematically bidding adieu to this last year and embracing a different approach to entering this next one. There are 77 days until I turn 30. No matter what has gone down in the last 423 days, I have 77 chances to make my 29th year the best ever and set up No. 30 to be even better.  

I pledge to fear … less … and to make every day count, for the next 77 and beyond.

Some Finite Goals for 2012

* Run a 5K

* Drop an L-bomb, or at least become comfortable using the word

* Go surfing

* Travel, for real.

* Get back on the bike.

* Find a new job, or figure out what it would take to embrace the current one.

 “Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”

- Paulo Coelho -