Rediscovering My ~ing (T-Minus 240 Days)

You all saw the pile of books best described as self-help manuals after I cleaned out my bookcase last week. For the record, I kept them all.

Yep, every last one of them.

Because even though I am kind of embarrassed to admit I own so money, they all make some really valid points and I believe are worth holding on to for the occasional reminder. The latest to be added to the collection is Gabrielle Bernstein’s “Add More ~ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness,” given to me by the recently wedded off friend on our way to Las Vegas for the bachelorette weekend.

Described on the back of the book cover, Bernstein’s work is said to have been “designed to bulldoze negative thought patterns and create personal change through positive affirmations, physical activity, and visualization meditations, Gabrielle guides the reader to happiness in 30 days through her dynamic ~ing, a proven method of sharpening one s intuitive senses and activating untapped inspirations.”

All of this may be true, but I will admit I only made it about two-thirds of the way through the book. If that. Partly because it’s really too much to absorb at once, but also because I got lost in some of the discussion of meditation and affirmations. The thought of actually completing some of her exercises made me giggle. I’m just not that in touch with my emotions.

I did, however, take a lot from the first few chapters. The ~ing directly translates to “inner guidance,” or as I imagine the mental cheerleader in the back of your mind … only instead of it being an actual cheerleader, it’s a mini Hope Solo urging you to be the best version of yourself. There are lots of great psychological applications of ~ing, but I took the most meaning from concentrating on the literal verb use.

Bernstein’s role as the ~ing girl came about after a series of guest appearances on Karen Salmansohn’s radio show “Be Happy, Dammit.” Salmansohn had a segment called “Add More ~ing to Your Life” which followed the idea of “the more experiences you have, the happier you will be.” Through this, Bernstein started out by doing a story on surfing and from there, every possible means of mov(ing) – on the water, on the ground and in the air.

This whole idea is what got me thinking and I began to brainstorm all of the things that make me happiest. And, when I imagine the woman I want to be, the things which personify her.

And they nearly all end with ~ing.

Cycling. Surfing. Climbing. Paddling. Writing. Reading. Baking. Hiking. Lifting. And obviously, the subject that started all of this ... spinning.

~ing.

Not shoes. Or money. Or flowers, diamonds and chocolate. Or even cupcakes.

~ing. The act.

Now that I realize this, it should be a no-brainer to simply start doing all of these things more. After all, I used to do many of them, but somewhere along the way, right around when I lost my groove, I picked up a healthy dose of fear. Of failing and looking like an idiot. Of letting people down. Of simply not being good at what I want to do. Of not wanting to try new things alone.

And so I sometimes still talk a big game, but I find excuses not to follow through. Or not going all the way, stopping just short of truly having to push myself.

My first college boyfriend is the one who got me into surfing and paddling and to some extent climbing. I wasn’t very good at the beginning, but I wasn’t afraid to try and I got better over the two years we dated. He was a surf instructor, wilderness guide, snowboarder, mountain biker and all-around badass, so some level of involvement in his hobbies was necessary if I ever wanted to see him when it was sunny out.

Before you start  thinking we were a match made in heaven and wondering why we broke up, he also was self-centered and arrogant and our relationship was far from perfect. I was 18-20 when we were dating for starters (he was 21-24) and towards the end he decided to enter the Peace Corps and spend two years in Africa. A pretty badass thing to do, but a relationship killer nonetheless.

Plus there were certainly other things – badasses tend to be selfish and conceited people sometimes and think their interests could come before others. I had semi-major surgery during the first year we dated and it took him two days to come visit because the waves were too good to leave behind.

Meanwhile, when he had surgery, I drove two hours from school to be there when he woke up. Again, not a perfect relationship. But I digress.

I have alluded in previous entries to battling depression and an eating disorder in the past. It was during my time with The Badass much of this went down and he shouldered the burden of a lot of tears, anxiety and emotion, a fact I remain forever grateful to him for.

I bring all this up because, despite it being one of the darkest periods of my life, I miss the person I was with him. Not him specifically, but who he gave me the opportunity to be. And I realize now, with the help of Bernstein’s book, it’s because of all the ~ing he brought into my life.

So now it’s time to start liv~ing by my one and only New Year’s Resolution and get over the fear. Continue cycling (one month of training until my second century) and find a way to start climbing, surfing, hiking and otherwise being my own badass. Because that’s the woman I want to be and the woman I think I already am somewhere inside.