It’s hard to believe I started this blog a year ago today. I figured the anniversary was as good a time as any to check myself and see how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. For a refresher on how and why this 500-day countdown began, please check out my first entry: Spinning.
In short, I had a revelation in spin class one night about how I didn’t remember the last time something had caused my heart to race or make me feel truly alive. After some inner deliberation, I realized I simply felt passionless ... “Grooveless, if you will.”
And so, thus began the quest to find my groove before my 30th birthday (which now is 135 days away, by the way).
Somewhere along the way, I simplified (perhaps too much) the process into three prongs: my professional life, my romantic life and my personal space. I thought if I could find a job that made me as happy as this one did at the beginning, a man I wanted to makeout with for more than a week at a time and a place to call home, I would find the ole groove at the point where all those prongs intersected.
If I analyze the last year based on those things, it appears I am right where I started. I am still in the same job; I still spend the majority of my Friday nights watching DVR-ed TV with wine; and I still live in this topography –less city pining for the West Coast.
But after a moment of self-degradation, I realized I actually have come a long way.
I’m not going to lie, when I started writing about my foray into online dating, I didn’t see things becoming this deep or this level of self actualization coming. For those who were invested in the tales of Mr. NDNS, Rock Doc, The M-P or any others I may have forgotten about, part of me is sorry it got away from that. Even for me, it was way more fun pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw than realizing I want the career success of Miranda, the committed but liberated relationship of Samantha/Smith and the outdoor living of Aiden.
At least I managed to get Mr. Big out of the picture.
In addition to finally accomplishing that, I also have discovered a lot about myself in the last year and, to be honest, the bulk of it I don’t like. My fears – of change, commitment, failure and even more so, success and happiness – were really frustrating things to realize when I spend the bulk of my time pretending to epitomize the opposite. The time I have wasted in a funk or being angry has mostly been because of the discovery of my own limitations.
Hitting emotional rock bottom (again, not in a dark Girl, Interrupted way, but in a lost yet optimistic way) was the only way to really begin to gain clarity, which I think I have done (or at least have started to).
I now am starting to realize the three prongs may not ever intersect or, if they do, it’s somewhere down the line and not in the way I think they should at this particular moment. Right now, the key is pick one path and see where it goes. In the last week, I have had conversations/offers/discussions with people who could help guide me down any one of them; however, it appears all are mutually exclusive of the others (the possibilities are literally spread across three time zones).
Now I am forced to prioritize my goals and, while I still feel little lost, I am excited for all the possible opportunities. One might say my heart rate has even picked up a bit.
I’m torn between:
- The idea of being a really big deal in my current business, which is something a large part of me wants to check off my life to-do list, even if I know it’s not something I want to continue for the long haul (Eastern time zone)
- Holding out a few more months, throwing caution to the wind and moving out West with hopes of getting a job at a really, really great company and be the nature-loving granola girl (Pacific)
- Coming up with a way to give things with Sparks a legitimate chance because it’s not from seven hours away with both of us working 24/7 six months out of the year (Central)
If I choose 1, then I will be able to dabble with 3 but the status of things will remain what they are now. Through Door 2 is an entirely new life and 3 would mean some compromise, which sounds like a dirty word to a lot of independent women, but I think the key is compromising without conceding.
All are great options and have the potential to lead to success, but which line of success is the most important? I guess I will just have to follow the signs and find out as I go. I am doing my best to relax and trust in two of my favorite lines from The Alchemist, which is still one of my guidebooks for the next 135 days (and beyond).
“When you want something all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”
- Paulo Coelho -
