I was planning on elaborating on the 10 (+1) Commandments in order, but I’m going to take a risk (No. 7) and not follow the list. Plus, the idea of home is still reasonably fresh on my mind after visiting my parents a few weeks ago. They were the source of inspiration behind rejuvenating the quest for my groove, so it seems appropriate to explore the idea early.
The concept of home has long been foreign to me and there are times I wonder if I even really have one. I know it sounds crazy coming from someone hailing from an unbroken home who grew up in an upper middle class household with few complaints, but even from an early age, I knew I didn’t belong there.
I love my family, but ever since I went away to college, I knew I needed to find something more.
About five years ago, I found something which makes me feel like I’m at least headed in the right direction. I have a piece of ceramic art hanging in my kitchen with the words “Home is where the story begins,” and for some reason that half-price piece of glass from a bargain bin at Kohl’s makes me feel like I’m not the only one without somewhere to call home.
The first person who articulated everything I didn’t know how to say I was feeling was Zach Braff’s character in Garden State, Andrew Largeman. There is a scene where he is in the hot tub with Sam, played by Natalie Portman, which unfolds a bit like this:
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
The movie came out my senior year in college, but it wasn’t until a couple years later when I bought it on DVD for $5 at Target and watched it again, that it really hit … home (pun clearly intended).
From time to time, I watch the movie or just the selected scene and relish in the comfort. I also imagine what my mythical version of home might be. Because, even though I don’t know where it is, I long to one day find a place to truly call home.
It may not be by the time I am 30, but I remind myself consistently finding it eventually is among the chief goals. I have a feeling, once I do, it’s where I will find my groove.
